Forever Lasting Wealth

Today,

Have you ever heard or possibly used the grattitude piece “Thank you God for the lessons learned from the experiences I have had and thank you for the experiences I will have?”

Well a couple of nights ago we were out to dinner with a friend of Karen and his dear parents that had came in from out of town. The friend had been jetsetting all over the world leading a very exciting life with his consulting business. He had’nt seen his parents for a while nor been in States for a while. As I sat across from him I noticed he was un-encumbered from any anchors that life sometimes put on us-or we allow them on to us under pretenses of acceptance and-well anyway- he laughed deeply. He looked alive and vibrant. Speaking of which I came to the conclusion that his soul was very light and his level of vibration was indeed high, Being the human that I am I started checking my own level of my vibes, I started thinking about my laugh and un-encumbered-ness and Whoa!, I had to check in with myself as I realized I was not at that level. At the dinner table my wife was talking with Rick-let’s call him Rick, So attempting to maintain my security I spoke with the parents, Lovingly gave directions to where they were heading for their family evening, being that they did not realize the play they had seats for started in 45 minutes and was across town!

After they hastily went through their appetizer for dinner and as they had to leave quickly I felt caught in the wake of some other way of being; One that I liked, or I should say one that I knew but was doaled out ever so descretly, Wow, Wake up call.

Karen and I, Being on that side of town went to do a bit of shopping as it was still early in the evening.
As we shopped we split up she went to womens section I went to mans world full of golf attire and clothing I liked, I was specificaly looking for a silk button shirt, Nat Naste retro to be exact. I had found them but they were not my size, I even tried one on hoping it would be ok, Nope. I felt like I needed something to go my way to be back in Scott control again, It wasn’t happening with clothes. I even called Karen over to look at it on explaining it was XXL and how did it look ?, Same answer Too big! No other expression, Ok FINE! Maybe she was feeling the same way I was about Ricks gregarious and super joyful at-it-tudes. But something was a miss for me. We went home not saying much.

The next morning I was still not saying much, just didn’t want to, Karen came in kitchen as I was making coffee and asked how I am, I did not answer right away, she then stated that she was giving me my space and when I was ready to talk to come get her, She knew something wasn’t right. I could not even say I was working through something because [That Something] was brewing inside of me and it had me not the other way around.

As I had my morning coffee, and the caffiene wore off or worked it’s way in, my day became relatively worse. I was noticing a feeling of despair, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and big time fear. Yeah I was working but good God “WHAT WAS GOING ON”?? This was really awful to be with to the likes-I say that pundingly- I had not experienced before. It was like someone had taken an 8″ core sample out of my body right at my heart level, It hurt and I am not kidding when I say it was difficult to be in an even keeled mental state.

I was so immersed at that time because it was just getting more real by the moment that finally it happened: Karen was bad, this life we had was bad, what we were up to was not going right, I was not Rick and his light way of being.Oh man What had I done? Jealous ? I was so in defense mode, Yep walls up, Soldiers at the gate, standing ready to fire,not listening to any reason I was so ready to defend and obliterate anything in my path, Ego an control were being threatened, My emotional state was not good!! and yet familiar…

I tell ya, what ever was going on was like the night to my day, and it is all her fault! I was pissed at Karen exclusively. I was the walking wounded and at the same time I was intrigued by such heavy serious life and death emotions,What is going on? I had this huge hole in me,I knew that if I just would stay in that space that some clear conclusion would show up I did not know how and believed it just would because this hole went right through me front to back.

This next piece is very real and for those who have been there -you know exactly what I was up against.
I was now pacing the floor. I walked outside, Came back in the house, Went outside again, Back in my office, Out of my office, my head racing with not real good thoughts and then the after thoughts of well if I do this then this will happen and on and on. It felt so real and so scarry all at the same time. I was prognostcating the fall-out. Now I have been divorced, yeah one of the ugly ones riddled with money grabbing, Greed, Using the kids, Slandering me to the kids and who ever would listen to the drama, 28 trips back to court always wanting more money from me, using the kids as financial sacks-as in counting the days the kids were with her, and then bringing that up in court that she should be compensated for those days.The thing is I was awarded the kids full -time and I was awarded the house because she was /had been such a shyster she actually was court orderd to pay me as I refused the monies. Bottom line: It was, I mean it was brutal emotionally and to the point were I believe I had to shut down emotionally to save my now questionable sanity, So I had to literally start playing mental offense in that horid drama and what that meant was taking control in the game as far as shutting things down, First my heart, Then my emotions, Then all my vulnerable feelings, Then my rationale reasoning, Then my being open about joy ,happiness grace and ease, You been there? It is an emotional desert dry and void of any real plant life or as we are Human I would say; Joy. Why was somebody doing/being such nasty things? I had to emotionally compensate to save myself and start getting UN-emotional about the whole situation I found myself in. Now this went on for 10 years, Starting to get the picture??

Okay, Back to a couple days ago. It’s now 3:00 pm in the afternoon- Damn if I am not still with this horror. I was teetering people; 1, I could go into my old way of defend which was emotionally kill before I get killed which meant kick Karen out divide the stuff defend, defend, defend!! War`I tell ya! War has broke out!! Save yourself!! My 6′ thick concrete emotional walls are built and ready for action I have been here before!! I know how to do this!! I will prevail again -To hell with being wounded I’ve been wounded! I will survive!! That old way of being was so present, It is as if it is at a molecular level as an always and already there and it was on auto pilot. Really, it is a blink of the eye ready, My defending of my emotional feared,scarred insecure mental state due to all the hurt previously mentioned.. all tooled up with no fear -Hell, Hand me my spear. I’m ready.

“Karen! You need to come sit down I need to talk to you. Listen this deal is not working for me, Long of the short is you’re not perfect, too many flaws, You should be with someone more ,well more like you. I am not sure how this is going to work but since no kids it should be fairly simple. I have had these thoughts for a while now”.. I thought, Wow, What, the last 20 hours? And I think you need to find a Rick for yourself! that way you don’t have to manage our monies with me, Worry about cooking, Do the household stuff and you can be eating in restaurants all over the world, not doing dishes with me or making the bed. You need that life so you should probably go, Go now!”

I had to fire on her and be it as it may; Release the hounds or the dogs of war. 1st strike so I can maintain/defend my emotional desert island, Strike the hurt SO she does not get the chance to inflick pain on me first, control the situation so she cannot be controllong in my emotional castle, Kill or be killed emotionally. Whew!

So why am I saying this right now? The voice in my head was yelling! And what are you doing? And what is this hole in my heart that goes through my complete body? Why is this still here?

Karen “I just don’t think I am right for you, You deserve so much better” Then a long pause happened.

After that pause the truth in me starting to bubble up… As Karen listened to what my emotional field general was saying my voice changed as I got to the place of I am not offering up a jetsetting lifestyle of traveling all around this world of business having associates wanting my consulting genius pefect analysis, Or mastery of global cuisine, Or so much monies that it is not even an issue, Or married to my work, Or such a…-Get ready because this is where my real hurt gave way in the honest truth of light and perfection, the real deal, the one that got me to lay down my defending spear and feel real.

The next thing that I said was “I do not have such a deep hearted fullfilling laugh”.

Wuush!!!! Right through the middle of me, What the hell just happened? Wait, What? The middle of me just happens to be at my heart. Heavy sigh. It was time, Time to put this emotional cover up of my hurt soldier ready to be hurt again in fact. Waiting to be hurt again because I knew how to defend it…funny/sad/real/and as scarry as it is.

There is about 3 inches of top water that covers or layers over a 20′ deep pool of emotional ups and downs in life. On the surface I would be fine, tell myself I was fine, be, do and act as if I was fine and my fast moving current guard was standing ready to defend at first sign of any emotional reality threats or insecurity.

After 2 hours of opening to my truths -basically getting this thing, My emotional state- healed- my wound that reared up in my heart chokra did heal little by little as my real pure unadulterated truths were being stated, I mean all of them. Yeah, It was a disguised, oops, being human again, It was an experience built for me and get this- By Me. Designed and built to dissolve my ever present on guard insecurities that always lurked under my top layer of “everything is fine” blessing I had told myself.

Karen? She has so been waiting for me to be this, To get to this and she had no idea of the depth since she hadn’t gone through this before.. Granted I am a great guy…I mean really, I am a great guy.. anyway so I tell myself… And she had never heard me speak such truths as an epiphany and opportunity for healing that she just was holding the space for my greatness in truth that had always been there just under the surface,You know what I mean when I say just at surface level right? And the beauty is she loves me even more.

How deep do you go and how thick is your layer of emotional security? What has it in place for checking and balancing? I ask this because what I spoke of with Karen in that aftermath was how much vitality it had kept me from.

Vitality, ?????????? Oh my God!! ……………That is what I saw in Rick!

He -Rick- was an opposite mirror staring me in the face!! Oh God, Oh my lord, Oh man!

Dear lord, Thank you for the lesson learned, Thank you for the healing, Thank you for the love and the rediscovered vitality in me and in my life. Thank you dis-illusionment.
I get it.

Thanks Rick.

Quick, grab the putter! Kinda cheeesy birdie smile on the 12th in Jacksonville Fla.

Let me share a little about my life and where I’ve been to catch you up to speed to where I am now and where I’m going!  Things have not always been as amazing as they are right now. Or so my expectations and view of reality perfectionisms told me so, if you are currently struggling, I want you to know that I’ve been there – I can relate.
style=”text-align: left;”>So Here’s Where I’ve been…

After going to college, I worked with my father in the construction industry.  When he went on to retirement, I went on to own my  construction company with all the trappings and benefits of a new business owner: 5 trucks, 4 office people, 80 men in the field,replaced worn out tools, purchased a massive amount of new tools and equipment, office space rental, overhead, shop rental, scheduling, promising, hiring and yes, firing, Comp insurances, quality control, deadlines, business client communications, bid revisions, accounting, communicating-3 cell phones and 2 way radios, some months my cell phone bill was more than my mortgage!! And once in a while I could actually work on site.  Felt like I was “Running Against The Wind”. That great song became a motto.

Most of my time was spent driving from one end of town to the other solving problems.  I was working 5 – 9 not 9 – 5. Yeah, I was the proud business owner OR is it the other way around? Did the business own me? I believed myself to be very fortunate at the time!

As time moved on I was working more time for less money. Unfortunately for my faithful employees, streamlining was our new mantra. We would downsize, right-size,and up-size depending on work loads. Yawn here–After many years of riding this roller-coaster, I saw the writing on the wall.

It was extremely economy based, seasonal and clients were few and far between during tough times. I was tired of the dirt, dust and grime of construction life.  Oh yeah, It afforded me a certain level of lifestyle, however…..at what cost to my family and my life?

I ended up divorced and a single dad with two young sons. A had to now hire a nanny and was missing out of precious time I should be spending with my boys.

I knew there had to be a way to make serious money without all the headaches and long hours – my sons,my family, were way more important.   So I sold my business and took the time to read a lot,catch up on the world, and raised my sons. We had beautiful homes. We built a huge – I mean huge slot car track. We did a lot of skiing  and snow boarding.  (Speaking of which:  Back in the day- Ah hell I was one of the first in Co. to snowboard when Mary Jane 1st opened in 75-76? It was so new, in fact, that  the lift attendant would not even let me on the lift ‘WITHOUT 2 PLANKS! Plastic orange board with a rope.)  We’ve been into performance cars, boats, muscle cars, hunted, fishing crazed, golf crazed, Mountain bike crazed and studied a lot of new aged spiritual readings. I raised my 2 sons in all of those worlds.

Okay – it was now time to get serious. Like I said, I knew I had to do something different – and I started searching. I moved into real estate development but the market was fairly weak. I thought that playing the stock market was the right venture for me. I looked at buying a franchise business a couple of times and was ready to strike a deal on a packaging franchise only to have the price double right before signing the contracts. Nyiicce!.

In hind-sight that would have been a miserable business…same  as before with not as many employees but driving a truck around trying to sell overpriced boxes and bags to struggling vendors.  I then moved onto a couple of MLM’s thinking that would give me a better lifestyle…Nope, it didn’t,  So I turned  to a  JOB, even though I knew I didn’t want to work for anyone else.

I ended up in the car business selling high-end German cars. Since I owned a few I was pretty good at it and started making serious money. Only problem – I was killing myself  “time wise” -again- to do it. I worked six days a week, 10 – 12 hours a day. Then the company commission restructuring cut my pay four times in three months. I was working far too much and far too hard to still be struggling.  Even with the businesses that did not fit my lifestyle anymore,The marraige that was not working anymore, and being a single full-time parent of 2 sons, I knew I wasn’t cut out to work a 5-9 job. It was obvious the only way I was going to be in control of my life and financial results was to be self-employed and…

Life began to align…. I remarried.  I say great wife. My eldest son? U.S. Marine now, My younger son? Get this; 6-5″ 310 pound-er high school senior.  Let’s just say football found him. ( Na, His dad- being a full ride scholar-shipped State football champion w/ All-State and All Conference player stats had nothing to do with it… Really!)  I was just his Football coach thru his younger career, Oops I mean younger days…Football found him. He kinda stands out.

So here I am.  Back in the saddle of choosing to ‘Work’ again. Ah yes work, Catch is;Work smarter not harder and this time I figured out how to be in and on the mainstream work environs with $$  growth and cutting edge benefits built for the future! No yawning here–I looked for the new and the now, I believe that there are a lot of good and great businesses out there on the cutting edge and what two I have chosen work very well for me!

Good Day Everybody!!
Hold on to your hats! New material in pipeline ready to be unleashed!! This is so good I cannot wait to finish it to post !!